(A Series of Postings from the LightShare e-Group)
[LightShare e-mail list group members respond with a cluster of posted messages upon a theme brought up by any of the members, triggering an exchange that is almost always wholesome. On each of two occasions quite recently, the moderator himself posted a challenging question. The first one was “Is it worth it?” which elicited responses, three of which were carried in the previous issue of LightShare Digest. The second one pertains to efforts to effect an internal attitude change for the sake of “mending fences.” Worth it? Of course! Here’s the first message in the stream, posted on May 12 by LightShare e-Mail List Group moderator Ding Reyes, followed by responses in the order of their posting:]WE ALL have occasional gaps with our loved-ones and close friends one time or another, and this sharing might help you snap out of a situation before you can even face one like this.
I was once asked for advice on this dilemma: “My mom and I had a nasty argument recently, and by now we have both cooled down our tempers, but we’re still not talking. I want to end this gap now or at least soon, and I feel she wants that, too. But we seem to be waiting for each other to make the first move.
Who should really make the first move? I hesitate because although she is the mother and I am only the daughter, meaning I am outranked, siya naman talaga ang mali sa nangyari eh!”
I had long known the mother, too, from way back and I’ve been familiar with her temper and even her frequent lack of sound reasoning. I phrased my answer this way:
“Whichever one of you is ‘higher’ in stature or ‘less wrong,’ the more matured would be the one to make the first move. But if you beat her to it, don’t tell her you are more matured, because that can start another gap!”
I didn’t say it would be easy! But it worked!
thankful cheers!
ding
-o0o-
May 13
Hi to all!
Who will make the first move?
A couple of months ago my officemate and I were into a nasty quarrel over differences in expectations – both personal and work-related. I declared to her: I'd rather be happy than right. She declared the opposite. Since then, both of us stopped communicating with each other.
So the "cold war" went on until Monday last week. All the people in our department were absent. Only the two of us happened to be there at the 4th Floor. A strange silence filled the room – only the ocassional clicking of PC keys could be heard.
Neithershe nor I bothered or dared to make the first move to fix the row between us. But in those lucid moments of silence the whole day through, I felt I was too harsh on her and on myself because neither of us, I thought, deserved such an oppressive silence.
I told myself, "I should have respected her ideas in the first place." And so, I made a resolution to be respectful to her. Still, I haven't been talking to her, but I have suceeded in maintaining a respectful awareness of her everytime she is around.
Now, the way I look at her has been transformed. Her ways and sensibilities as a person ought to be respected. Maybe I have to make the first move (or be the first one to talk?) or maybe I have already done so, minus the talking.
Maybe my attitude to her lately would not change her. But I have changed my image of her and that would be my basis of relating with her in the future.
Loloi
(Luis Gorgonio)
-o0o-
May 13, 2005
Dear Sir Luis,
I agree with you that you have already started the healing process because your attitude to her has changed. Of course the follow through is needed.
Almost the same thing happened to me, too. It was not even for a whole day that there was eerie silence between us, only about an hour because the other officemates started coming for work on time. We two had both come to the office earlier than the official time. Before that hour was over, the healing also started with self-checking and a change of attitude about him (the other person was a man). Then I waited for the chance to smile at him.
That chance came when the electric current in our office blinked and restarted both our computers, with both of us losing much unsaved work. I smiled at him while slowly shaking my head. Then I jerked my head. Or did I shrug my shoulder, I don't remember clearly now. Then he surprised me by standing up and shaking my hand. We both laughed. Still no words. It was almost lunch time when we finally started talking.
As I tell officemates who have interpersonal problems, you start with your attitude, then healing continues from that point, on.
sincerely yours,
lemuel dizon
-o0o-
Anyone in this kind of a dilemma will do well to recall the kind of humility and for-giveness practiced by the late Pope John Paul II.
--Vic Milan
-o0o-
Sir Vic,
I am interested in what you brought up. How did the late Pope John Paul II make the first move on a gap that involved him? I can imagine his humility working on other kinds of problems, but you may know how that humility pushed him to make the first move. Or was his humility useful in preventing gaps between and other people? I'd be interested in that too! Thanks in advance for your answer. It will help me know Pope John Paul more. Of course, I've always believed that all popes and all saints are humble or at least most of them. How does this apply in his particular case?
sincerely yours,
lemuel dizon
Dear Lemuel,
Pope John Paul apologized to the Jews because the Catholic Church did not do enough to stand up for them when they were persecuted by the Nazis. The most notable, to my mind, of his virtues was his capacity for forgiveness. He not only forgave the man (assasin) who fired the bullet that almost took his life, he went to visit the man in prison to forgive and bless him.
Whenever I am tempted to strike back or simply seethe in anger at someone for a real or imaginary hurt, I just remember this act of forgiveness by Pope John Paul II and I immediately feel better. By the way, just a reminder: there is a real connection between anger and heart disease! Have a good day.
– Vic Milan
may 16
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dear fellow lightsharers,
......It was good that Lemuel asked the question about Pope John Paul, which Vic gave as an example in his own response to the question "Who should make the first move." Indeed, the late Pope's gestures on forgiveness -- asking for it, and also giving it -- deserve emulation. Lem's sharing of a parallel experience with the one shared by Loloi helped me because it emphasizes what Loloi said. There was another question being raised aside from "who should make the first move" and that is WHAT is the first move. In the case shared by Sir Ding that a daughter was asking whether it was she or her mother, who was "siya naman talaga ang mali," who would make the first move. It seems that the first step was already done. the daughter had already forgiven her mother and already wanted the gap ended.
This was what both Loloi and Lem were saying, that the healing process had started as soon as the party feeling offended had an attitude change toward the person and toward their gap. The disclosure of such reconciliatory attitude can only come after the attitude change occurred quietly, even secretly, within the person's heart.
The first to benefit is the forgiving person's heart, whether or not the gap is healed. As Vic says, anger, whether seething anger or sustained anger or both, is hazardous to its health!
Thank you, Guys, I am enriched by your sharings!
"in order to give light, a candle should be willing to get melted"
"melted candle"
may 16, 2005
In my 11-day stay in Pagadian, I had no access to the internet (only the Innernet J). Now, as I have found the time to go through my email, I am happy to read the contributions from Lemuel, Vic, Melvin, Loloi, Karen, Bebot, etc., LightShare is coming back to life!
I love the expressions of honest feelings in personal experiences which had been lacking for a while. I love the exchanges, for instance, on the thread, "Who should make the first move?".
And I love Melvin's refined focus on "WHAT should be the first move?" from his reading of Loloi's piece. I agree with all that was said, especially, "that the healing process had started as soon as the party feeling offended had an attitude change toward the person and toward their gap."
When one fully forgives another even if secretly, he withdraws from the conflict, and the fragmentation is transformed back to wholeness in him. And in the reality of the interconnectedness of all consciousness, even if the other party is not conscious of it, the negative bond is broken and there can be no friction or conflict when there is only one "participant."
This is what happened to Sultan Maguid in the story I recently shared (in LightShare e-Group) about his ‘conversion.’ He had this war to the death with his political enemies. In the end he found in his heart forgiveness for his enemies. He said, "I thought I was seeking justice, but I realized there can be no justice unless there is love." He said when he found his inner conversion, his enemies also changed heart and are no longer after him.
And when one breaks the bond of conflict, by withdrawing the energy that gives life to it, the "disconnection" becomes a window for the spirit to flow into and create the situation for the healing to be manifest in the outer. There is really no need to struggle to reach out, only the openness to respond to the opportunity created by the spirit. This is what happened to previously warring Muslims, who, in a chance meeting in a mosque, ended up spontaneously embracing each other.
This is what happened in Lemuel's story when the electric current blinked affecting their computers, that triggered the serendipitous manifestation of the healing of the relationship with his officemate.
I happily look forward to more sharing of this kind: personal, experiential Any sharing of honest feelings (from the heart) and personal experiences I consider true lightsharing. For each of you is the only one of your kind in the whole universe, and by knowing you through your experiences, I know the universe and myself better.
LovePeaceJoy,
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